Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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