forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
