I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
