Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
