This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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