I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
