the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
