My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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