the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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