So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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