First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
