I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
