I need to stop coming to work sober
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
