having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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