His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
