guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
