Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
