I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
