I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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