Can i not drive my cunt home
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
