so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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