I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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