We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
