Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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