I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
