Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
