why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
