i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Randomize
