She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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