just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just invented taco cereal.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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