There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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