i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
