Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
