My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
