I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
