oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
