He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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