I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
