I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
