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another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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