I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
