The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
