She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
