If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
