If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
