Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
