Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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