ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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