there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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