my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
