Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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