you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
